Happy New year 2013....my breast is hot and leaking!

As 2012 gave way to 2013, I found myself in deep prayer...so I rang in the new year in prayer...deep meaningful prayer, somehow marshaling the powers that be, to be with me and my loved ones in the coming year. I went out at around midnight and took in the splendour of the bright moon up above....I looked at, and listened to the fireworks in the distance. As I reflect on these moments I will admit there was a level of foreboding within my spirit....I knew not what was to come for me in the new year, and honestly, I can't really say it was any different from any other year.....I tend to be kind of introspective as the New Year dawns! I eventually fell asleep, rosary in hand, chanting the "Hail Mary and Our Father" prayers that are so firmly imbeded in my mind....Catholic upbringing and continued practice of the Catholic faith! With the morning, came the excitement of St. Kitts National Carnival grand parade.....I was asked to judge the parade at one of the points along the parade route! After making some pottery, (I was working on a 250 piece pottery order), I headed downtown! The parade started very late and it was almost dark by the time the troupes got to my location! I thoroughly enjoyed it...the colours, the costumes, the revellers, and I judged as fairly as on can under the circumstances....darkness was almost making it impossible to see some of the troupes!  I enjoyed waving to friends and dancing to the popular song by local band Small Axe (do de DCH....drop cover, holdon)...I had jammed for six hours straight jouvert morning(before daybreak dancing in the streets) to that tune which ended up winning the title of road march 2012-2013....Yeah! With the night sky getting darker, I held on to my daughter's hand and headed home. I spied a couple girlfriends at the gas station....one of them was actually the owner...we chatted about carnival and before I left them I mentioned that my breast had been hurting and was actually quite hot, and had been leaking! I was somewhat worried but not too worried at that time since I felt it was just a simple infection of my milk ducts and possibly, it had been either badly handled or that my five year old had jabbed it too hard! My girlfriend wasn't taking this lightly...her mother had just been through an ordeal and was now a breast cancer survivor. She encouraged me to head straight to the hospital....I did! After a long wait, I explained to a nurse my problem and was later taken into a Doctor....a nice young girl who is my friend on facebook and who I used to meet up with at the gym, regularly! She opted to treat me with an IV of antibiotics, a painkiller and told me to see the surgeon after the holidays! I think my anxiety began at that moment! The rest of the month of  January has been one crazy blur.....Dr. Cameron discovered the lump on Thursday January 3rd...I went to the radiologist, after a miserable weekend on Monday, January 7th...was told it looked like stage zero cancer but go back to the Surgeon, schedule a biopsy, he wasn't too sure...it may be just infection....I felt like I was in another body...this couldn't be what I was hearing....I walked in a daze...face forlorn, body drained, to the Doctor's office! We scheduled the biopsy for later that week! I got on the phone to a couple of my friends...to my son,,,my sisters! This could not be happening! There was talk of flying to New York...I was totally against that...leaving my children was and my work was not an option...I think there was some measure of hysteria! I quickly organised as best I could, my daughters and my work and gave in to pressure...... on Wednesday, January 9th, I was on AA direct flight to JFK! My sis picked me up and we headed to my son's apartment! After talking and planning we went to a hospital ER! I was seen and discharged with a reference to go to the breast clinic! I woke up on the 10th energized and ready to take on the world.....opened my Bible on Ezekiel where the word told me "the vision will come true"....My sis from Canada had arrived during the night and was curled up next to me!  How could this thing be upsetting so many people's world!! I told her how I felt....about my vision for dealing with this as given to me by the spirit!!! I was ready to go see my own friendly surgeon, who had a practice in Brooklyn and who had handled my gallbladder surgery in Nevis in July 2011....With my two sisters and son, I travelled to his office where he performed a core biopsy and for the next few days, as I waited on the results, I moved from being in high spirits to diving into the dumps! My sis suggested that I go to the breast clinic the next day, Friday 11th....I did! Saw a doctor who recommended a mammogram and ultrasound (seems like I had to go through the whole process again)...I couldn't get an appointment till the 23rd of January...well really...I will be leaving for St. Kitts that day...go figure)!  Results day finally rolled around, the following Tuesday....I was beside myself...it was absolute torture....prayer had been the only thing that made me feel better....I braved the cold outdoors and went to a Catholic church a couple blocks from my son's apartment...I sat in a chapel and prayed...a homeless man shared his story and asked me for some bus money...I knew I should not be taken in by this sort of thing but how could I refuse a homeless man in the Chapel! It felt good to do that, as I prayed for good news for myself! Well, ask and it will be given to you....at 4pm, I spoke to the Doctor, upon my return to the apartment and I got good news....the findings was Stromal Fibrosis....I felt nothing...I didn't know what that meant but it sounded better than hearing the big "c" word! We talked about doing the open biopsy that coming Thursday for further clarity,,,,so another week of internal torture was ahead! My sister and I took the long drive to his office on Thursday, and she waited for me as I went through my first wide awake surgery! With my eyes fastened on the white ceiling above, braving furtive glaces at the Doctor and attending nurse I endured the experience! The technology fascinated me...I left the clinic with no bandage just a gluey substance covering the barely noticeable stitch-work!  My sis and I felt upbeat as we walked the beastly cold Brooklyn road back to her car!  I returned to my island home on the 23rd as scheduled....due to The holiday and The Inauguration of President Obama's 2nd term of office....the results wasn't ready on Tuesday!  The doctor was on the flight with me, for his scheduled holiday in the islands!  At approximately 1.30pm, Thursday 24th January, 2013, the phone rang, my heart leaped instinctively! At the sight of his name I nearly collapsed...it was the doctor.....he gave me the news.....Invasive ductal carcinoma was present.....breast cancer!  A week later, thanks to prayer, family, friends and google....I am calmer, informed and ready for the journey ahead....2013 will not be a walk in the park! I am grateful for the friends who looked after my children, for the prayers being delivered by so many, for the support of my family, for the support of friends and especially to the Dominicans employed at ECCB who are already committing to a raising funds to assist me, for the survivors who give me hope everyday....I too hope to one day say........I am a survivor!

sometimes.....

Sometimes, I find myself sitting and thinking of the past! The long ago past of my childhood, and I wonder why certain things happened, why to me? I allow these memories to play like an old movie in my head....I watch them pass and I try to investigate and I wonder did I dream it or was it truly real. Then I wonder how was I able to survive some of the things I went through....where did that strength come from...that ability to hold my head up high and continue living as if nothing happened. Yet it did....And I also think of how these things ended up affecting my life in the future. There were times when I have cried, unabashedly as I recalled happenings of my childhood, of my teen years! Afterwards I feel cleansed and strong but the memories still return....sometimes....when I am alone...washing dishes or cleaning my house! Today I am stronger, today, I look at them, these memories, like a movie, calmly, and I allow them to pass for they hold no power over me. Experience have taught me that I have to keep my eyes wide open, for myself and for my children....the world outside of ourselves, and even from within our own selves will, from time to time attract, some unknown evil, so I seek protection from the Almighty creator daily. I am thankful for all the blessings, the strength and the wisdom I have been given....I am thankful for the many friends I have been blessed with who have brought joy and helped me along the way....for sometimes...when the burden is too heavy to bear, there is always a sister, a brother, a friend whom I can talk too... I can look at things more clearly and overcome....I can be peaceful!

Lately, I have been thinking about this....haven't we all been hurt somehow, yet we don't all become evil....we don't all want to wreak havoc on the populace....to commit violent crimes against our fellowman! Therefore, what is it within us...those who continue to survive despite hardships endured??? What is this unknown thing that others seem unable to tap....sometimes I wonder about all these things and more....and I wish I could share with others so that they may know that they are not alone, that they too can overcome and choose good over evil....

no vehicle days!!!

This past few weeks, I have had to embrace, for the second time in two years, not having my dear old jeep to run around in. I have finally had to deal with getting a new engine head...if that is the right terminology. Getting the part to St. Kitts and getting the jeep fixed is taking way longer than I anticipated. I live a very busy life, with children to get to daycare and camp, plus for me to get to work at any of my normal selling spots, I need to get from point A to point B with as little down time as possible. As a result of not having a vehicle, I have once again had to learn patience, one of my lesser virtues, I think! My friends have been extremely helpful. I have had to joy of driving in some very nice vehicles, which my friends have the privilege of owning....I am almost tempted to sink into debt again to get one of these, but, I am staying on track.....my goal is to own my own house very soon, NOT to drive the nicest vehicle...at least not right now!

Early on, one of my good friends, whom I called upon, drove me wherever I wanted to go.....I didn't take advantage of his good nature, but instead tried my best to compact my getting around so as not to disturb him too much....but after a week he got tired....he explained that he didn't think I was going to be without a vehicle for so long and he really was tired given the tough year he had had thus far. I thanked him for his honesty. I decided that I would try not to call on the same friend to help me twice, but I have had to change that decision at crucial times. Honestly, I am really blessed to have such good friends who would drop whatever they are doing to assist me.

To get around without disturbing anyone of my buddies, I take the bus. I have come to realize that there are some really 'nice' bus drivers who run the route past my house. They are also not as rough and tough....many times when I am transported to my destination, with my containers of pottery, which take up space, they tell me to give them whatever I want....lol! How can I give them whatever I want....shouldn't they have a set price for offering this service, I ask, each time I get the same reply...pay me what you want. I can't understand it, so I pay them what I think is reasonable, thank them and go on with my day! My decision to take the girls to the movies on Sunday afternoon, even though I had not a clue how we were getting there was another notable experience.....I stepped out of my yard with girls in tow, a bus stopped immediately and I brazenly said, I am going to the movies, can you take me there? He answered positively and the girls and I jumped in. He travelled his normal route then went the extra distance to the movie theater. When we got there I asked what I owed him....he said $5.00....which is a normal fare for 2 persons on a normal day....I awkwardly asked if he was sure...he said yes and his friend in the seat said "Is love we ah deal with sister!"...I smiled and went on my way with my babies. After movies we got a lift home with a couple....both former close neighbors and friends of mine.

I am very adept at hitching rides from people, a skill I learnt as a teenager growing up in Dominica, during a time when people were nicer. Today, it's not as easy and I am not as willing, at my age to give the hitching a ride sign, so I walk along or stand in hope that some friend or 'nice' person will come along and offer me a lift. The other day, in a rush to get to my daughter's preschool center, the only person to stop was a guy I know well enough, who was riding a motorbike!!! Oh, what utter excitement, at minutes to 4 o'clock on a busy Friday afternoon to alight upon a bike....he dismounted the bike, gave me his passenger helmet. I jumped on and off we went along the Newtown Bay road, up to the Industrial site Preschool. What an adrenaline rush!!!! I picked up my daughter, just a I exited the center I got a lift with another guy straight back to the craft market....my co-vendors at the market were amazed at the speed and time it took me to go and return...I did a little chest thumping!

I feel thankful and grateful that I am able to easily make changes in how I operate....that I have a good enough personality to assist me on my journey and most of all I have friends who care enough to assist me. I have been given an opportunity to reconnect with many of my friends.....some who would see me walking and go out of their way to drop me home...during the drive we would get to chat. It has been an experience to listen to the banter of the persons riding the buses.....or the music the bus drivers play....it is interesting to be a part off! My patience has grown and I am humbled by these experiences. I long for my vehicle but I realize I have become much more organized because of the lack of it! There are lessons to be learnt in all things, and for now, I am learning some valuable lessons while embracing this experience.

Can I get a date please???LOL!!!

Yesterday, I went with a friend to the chiropractor. I wanted to make sure she knew where she was going, so I drove with her and thought I would stay with her. Then I changed my mind, and decided I could get my stuff done and return before she was finished. With that thought in mind, I told her I wold go to the groceries and get back to her. The fact that I had no vehicle to get to the groceries did not deter me. I walked out of the building and focused getting a lift, I hoped someone I knew would pass by that busy Friday afternoon, headed in the direction of the supermarket I wanted to visit. I hadn't walked twenty steps before a car pulled up. I was in luck. A very old and dear male friend had showed up at just the right time. I had known him for many, many years. There had been many a time he would visit my house and we would chat on about many things.....from cars, to relationships, to politics and religion. Many times I would run into him in a similar manner....either walking around, or in a situation similar to my current one...trying to get a lift somewhere....and he would be very happy to assist me. But, there is a big... but.... in our friendship. For all the years he has known me, he has always teased me....I can't count the number of times he has spoken of his undying love for me and that I should give him a chance to prove that he is the 'man' for me. While I like him as a friend, and maybe because he has been such a good friend over the years I just haven't taken him seriously. So of course, yesterday, he took the opportunity to let me know once again that he doesn't just want a little of me, but all of me, for all time.....I smiled as I reached my destination, we were to exchange numbers, given my current need for transportation, but I told him I know where he lives and went on my way.

Here are the stats on him, he is good looking, around my age, self-employed and runs a thriving business, owns his own home speaks well, loves women(I know because many times he as said it...plus, he admits to always seeing, as in long term relationships, two or three women at one time, and that will never change..I always laugh because I am sure he doesn"t espect me to join a harem), oh yes, and he dresses okay! Though I am only interested in a continued friendship, rather than a relationship with him, I can't help wondering why this is...surely, it can't just be about his love for the ladies for that is a Caribbean male phenomena?? I gave it some thought and realized that in all the twenty-five years plus he has known me, and with all the chat he has, he has never called me and said would "Carla, would you like to go on a date with me?"

Yes, a date!!! Why do so many of men think they can lure a woman by simply telling her of their interest in them or what they can do to them sexually or what they can do for them financially. So many men seem immune to dating? Does one really need to know of a man's prowess in bed before it is established that there is some kind of chemistry between them. I think dating is a very important and significant element in the building of a relationship. Yes, we may like someone, but sitting across a table with them, sharing a meal can reveal so much....so why not invite a person to dinner....for one thing I love to eat! There are so many interesting dates couples can go on, so as to spend time together and see how each other respond to different settings and situations. If, in the course of the dating one finds that there isn't any chemistry or that the person is annoying in some way, or they are trying to get close too quick then, dating can cease. A big difference to......we meet.....we like...we jump in bed...we in a relationship!

There are many exciting dates couples could partake in during the discovery process of getting to know each other. Breakfast, lunch or dinner dates. A trip to the museum or a Heritage site, include a picnic. Attend a competitive game....football, basketball etc. Go Zip-lining across the forest or take a hike or even go jogging. Picnic at the beach, a catamaran cruise, go snorkeling or sailing! Dancing!! Did I forget church!!! The list of dates is endless! The emphasis, the need for these dates is to get to know each other, the likes and dislikes, NOT a rush to get physical or to establish a long term relationship! Maybe, if my old friend had thought about of us engaging in a few of these things then, I guess, maybe he would have stood a chance...a chance to get to know me as more than just a friend!!! LOL!!!!

legs and ultra micro minis skirts

I guess at some point in the lives of some women, especially some young women the purchase and wear of ultra micro mini skirt becomes a must! I must now be at the age where other ladies use to be, when I got 'the look' for wearing a short dress or skirt to church...because today, though I am quite accepting of the fashion choices most young women and men make in clothing, I find myself drawn....not in a good way, to the ultra mini skirts which are donned by today's women! If it is not my age and level of acceptance, then maybe I am thinking critical thoughts because I feel they are in fact assaulting my eyesights! Or maybe it's because I am working so damn hard....working out in the gym, running etc.... to recapture some of the musculature which I possessed in my youth....that I really wish, I didn't have to look upon legs in various degrees of obesity and ghastly cellulite! Bare, naked legs, bulging under extremely short micro minis!!! I heard somewhere, it is against the law for boys to wear their pants below their bum! Well, a similar law should be passed for women with unattractive legs. I wonder whether they take a peep in the mirror...a full length mirror before they exit their homes, or do they bring very good friends along with them when they purchase their outfits....friends who will tell them...."guurrllll....dis ain't for you"! In the wisdom of my years, ladies, I humbly share with you that exposure of legs....the wearing of skirts and dresses which barely cover your arse is NOT SEXY for all who wear them! It can be viewed as a FASHION 'FAUX PAS' for those who aren't blessed with the right assets to pull off the wearing of this particular piece of clothing that so many of you deign to wear!

I may have 'rocked' an ultra shortie or two at various times after passing the age of 35...but it would have been as a one time fun thing or a dare! But, the truth is though, I know I have been blest with good legs! Today however, I won't be found dead in a micro mini, because despite endless hours in the gym, I know that my legs are NOT what they used to be in my 20's...lol! Also, I prefer a modest skirt that falls a few inches above the knee....far more sexy than just below one's backside! I am also very aware that to get the designation of being 'tres sexy', one would have to be dressed in clothes that accentuate her beautiful bod! Great legs....and let me stress....great legs...which simply means taut, toned, sculpted legs, with glowing skin on an equally toned and sculpted body...a body type that is slim and sexxy or voluptuous and sexy...is IT! I know many will say that 'our' black men...or 'our' Caribbean men love 'us' the bigger the better but keep in mind, the healthier the better too! While there is some truth re the black man and fat thing, the idea of keeping the body covered so that only 'he' can cast his eye upon the whole enchilada, would be a woman's wisest choice! I don't have to see it, whether I want to or not....because as soon one takes a step out of their casa... they are in the land of Joe Public and are therefore under the eyeball of others who would prefer not to be assaulted by the view of the visibly unattractive!

Yep...Carla T here keeping it real, as always!!

report card response!!

Getting my 13 year old daughter's report card gave me cause to ponder many things. She received, as I expected a terrible report. I must confess, that most times I have felt helpless as I have watched her increasing lack of interest in what should be her main concern. I have wondered, why can't she focus her energies on school work! why can't she use the computer as a tool for research rather than a tool for social interaction! When I have decided to give her limited or no access to the computer, except for work, she very quickly finds herself in an entertainment space. I have encouraged talked, shared my own experience as a school child, given her space in which to work and taught methods of how to study effectively but to date, nothing has worked. My wish, and I know that this is the only thing that can happen....a light bulb has to go off in her head wherein she recognizes that to succeed she has to apply herself.

Now although the report was no surprise, it was the fact that she was promoted that really got me riled up! The grades and the comments showed that this child should not be promoted, but she was. She was promoted to a higher form, but a lower stream. I am getting to see first hand the terrible tragedy of the St. Kitts school system. Here is a child who entered high school in what is called the 3rd stream.....Children are streamed, based on their Test of Standards score from grade 3 to grade 6 and are given a placement within the high schools depending on how bright they are. I have spoken out against this system for years...I see it at the beginning of segregation...the creation of class structures....of cliques and gangs... but being faced with whether to send my child into this system or not, I made the terrible mistake of thinking she could succeed in that environment and that we could work together to achieve success. I had seen my eldest son survive it and I thought she could too. It was hoped that she would navigate her way out of 1a3 and into a 1a2....it never happened. It didn't happen in 2nd form, nor in 3rd form! Now she is about to enter 4th form with a navigation downward into 4a4! She had been plonked into a group of bright creative like-minded youth who were all seen as unfocused, very troublesome and noisy. Now she is to be sent to a lower stream with the large majority of her compardres and I am finally facing the fact that while this system may work for some it definitely doesn't work for all and at the end of the day only the fittest will survive. The choice I made three years ago now has to change.

While I have observed the lack of focus of the children in the lower streams and the lack of care of the school administration for these children, I do believe that had they been given the opportunity to compete within a system where a percentage of all levels were within a class setting, they may have stood a better chance of survival....both academically and socially. Instead, at the end of the five year period, the schools will get good scores in the CXC's Caribbean Certificate Council, but it will come from the brightest and the best. What happens to the others...Some will pass 7, 6, 5 0r less subjects, others have failed totally, while some would have been kicked out of school along the way, some would have been sent to project Strong or to AVEC (Advanced Vocational Education)! At the same time, on a social level, children who would have played together in pre-school and primary school would hardly associate at the end of the five year period depending on where they fell in the streams.

Last night, I spoke gently to my daughter. I told her, and I really hope she gets it, that I understand her because I had a similar experience in my own youth. I had been sitting there contemplating how to handle this situation, and I recalled that when I was around 9 or 10 I had been put into a B stream in primary school. I worked my way out of it and back into an A stream the following year. My lessons still had to be learn't when I failed math at the Common Entrance Exam and had to spend another year in primary school, only to get a Bursary(partial scholarship) on that occasion. I spoke to her hoping she would understand that it takes hard work to achieve success! At the end of the day, no one want to fail.....yesterday when I showed her the report I saw the disappointment on her face and I saw the tears and a sadness in her entire demeanor as she walked off....not even wanting lunch! So I know, that somewhere deep within her is a desire to succeed! She needs to recognize it, embrace it and work to achieving this success. I have decided that for this summer, I will go back to practice that never fails....get her to read as any books as possible, do her chores and attend summer camp! She will not get much access to the computer and phone. I am hoping to encourage her to create her own blogspot and write as much as possible. My plan for the coming week, albeit a bit late but I will be looking at the possibility of having her attend a private school.

This time is a challenge but it is a time I must embrace and handle effectively.

from clan or tribe....cliques or gang....who are we?

A clan is a group of people united by actual or perceived kinship and descent.

A tribe, viewed historically or developmentally, consists of a social group existing before the development of, or outside of, states.
Many anthropologists use the term tribal society to refer to societies organized largely on the basis of kinship, especially corporate descent groups

A clique (pronounced /ˈkliːk/, also /ˈklɪk/ (U.S.)) is an inclusive group of people who share common interests, views, purposes, patterns of behavior, or ethnicity.[1] A clique as a reference group can be either normative or comparative. Membership in a clique is typically exclusive, and qualifications for membership may be social or essential to the nature of the clique.

There are street gangs, which are people with similar backgrounds and motivations.[34] The term “street gang” is commonly used interchangeably with “youth gang,” referring to neighborhood or street-based youth groups that meet “gang” criteria. Miller (1992) defines a street gang as “a self-formed association of peers, united by mutual interests, with identifiable leadership and internal organization, who act collectively or as individuals to achieve specific purposes, including the conduct of illegal activity and control of a particular territory, facility, or enterprise."[35]

As I listened to a reformed gang member on The People's show last night, I heard him say that this thing (the gang thing) started not as a gang but as friends looking out for friends. I had heard words like that before from others. I began to think about us.... human beings and our need to come together in groups and the fact that this has been forever a phenomena. I wondered whether this new 'gang' culture among young people could really be solved by persons who belonged to groups of people who are so far removed from the reality of the 'gang' members' life. This young man, seemed like a good start, he was coming from within to speak it like it is. He had somehow found a way to reach 'brothers' within his space, his reality and bring to an end a war, at least on a personal level, which may have led to his demise. I am still worried for him, so I pray that he will continue to survive and bring change from within and also change in the minds of his peers.

The fact, however, is that we humans have always seemed to better exist in some sort of group setting. From the early days of life in tribes, clans or bands, we would have learnt our places within these structures. Many different forms of societies have evolved over the ages and has kept the human being in its defined place within these structures throughout civilization. Closest to my mind and my reality is the 'clique'. I remembered my youth. I recall hanging with a group of girls....my best friends.... throughout my childhood who were my world. I think we were friendly, popular and well-known throughout our school life. Sometimes, I would switch gears and find new friends....girls from my neighbourhood or another 'hood' but not necessarily what my mom would call the most savoury characters...other times, I became close to girls who were 'better heeled'...then to other friends would criticize and say they are 'bourgeois'! It seems to me that we are encouraged to stay within our groups....people we know, maybe parents went to school together, work together or attend the same church or are together in some type of club themselves. In the meantime, as we stay within these 'cliques' we are unaware of other people. We may know people by face but not know their name, far less the circumstances under which they live, work or play. After leaving school many of us are surprised to bump into former schoolmates who sat with us on school benches yet we have not a clue who they are because we just did not pay any attention to those outside our circle.

So now to get to the real meat and bones of this piece! If the above is a true fact, then I can surmise that we have not a clue who belongs to 'gangs' because we are too busy in our own 'cliques'! We know all know 'our' world! The structure of both worlds are the very similar based on the meanings I gleaned from Wikipedia. The 'gang' world is similar to the 'clique' world except that their outlook on life is only very slightly different. They come together based on similarilites. The nature and stucture is exclusive. They need, want, do and feel the same things but most is achieved through a different methods. The education, skills and the demarcation on the social ladder of the gang as opposed to those who 'clique' together is such that they might only meet public places and one would hardly be aware of the other or they may meet due to violence.

The effects of violent gang behavior on the whole of society, in recent time, is taking it's toll, and many cliques are spending time trying their best to see how this phenomena could end. Many espouse very creative ways in which this could be stopped! But I believe as the young man said last night....respect in needed, someone else mentioned love and acknowledgement! Can we really do care for our fellowman...is that actually possible in these times...has it ever been possible? Is this, what we see happening now, a natural progression of a human condition which we have allowed to become so deeply rooted within us that today we are reaping the reward....A change can be made but it will have to be a change of a very human kind...a change from within the very core of who we are!