December remember!

It's December again. A time which brings up all kinds of thoughts in ones mind. As the holidays loom one can't help but return to, not just the immediate past, but whole past. What is it about this time that makes one feel this way. I reflect on the saying 'December remember'.

I am remembering.....

my childhood with my sisters...our innocence

I am remembering a first boyfriend buying me a gift...was it chocolates. HIs face is long faded and I don't remember his name.

I am remembering school, friends and end of term exams.

baking cakes and opening gifts...the longing for Barbie doll or a Mandy comic.

Then my mind goes to the awful things that happened in my life. I begin to feel depression setting in.

I look at my children, with me, in this small apratment that I have chosen to live in. I say it's for while, but Christmas is coming. Where do I put a tree...do I even need a tree... I didnt grow up with any tree....so no tree...at least not yet. Maybe I will pick a branch of a causarina tree.

I am remembering last years Christmas, when my son came from Canada with his girlfriend and my house was full. My children were around me in that big old house. This year will be different, my eldest will be staying up North.

I am remembering Christmases spent in big family gatherings with my ex-husband, my/our children and his family. I remember enjoying preparing for that day. Lots of gifts being exchanged. These were times I will cherish.

I remember other exes...boyfriends, who shared the holidays with me....

I remember some girlfriends, like my former roommate, how we were like family...like sisters, we said 'sisters in spirit'

I am remembering my Christmases spent in Dominica. My sisters coming home and I going home to join them. I felt really good great about being home for Christmas. Maybe that's what should happen...we should all go home for Christmas...in a perfect world maybe....

I have created my own home, so has my sisters and brother. I remember my mother, alive and well in Dominica..I wonder, what does she remember....about this time of year....I try not to think about what it feels like to be alone...for her to be alone.

Life goes on.....inhale......exhale....inhale...exhale.

I give thanks, I have my girls with me! Like Stara now insisting I leave the computer NOW! She want to bather.

a different kind of day

Sometimes, it's necessary to change one's routine. Lately, I have felt like I've been just going, going, going....like de 'energizer bunny'. How do I go about having a different kind of day. To wake up and just be!

I dream of a day when I can just chill!
To enjoy a day doing nothing!
Is that so bad?

Even as I type this I wonder, where would my daughters be while I am enjoying waking up with nothing to do....even for just a day. Will I wake up and begin to worry because they are not here with me? Will I want to call them.... wherever they are...just to know that they are okay? But then that would be something...I would be doing something! I give up! For this would just be the tip of the iceberg!

Today I stayed home. Today, I am a housewife. My children are at school. The house is quiet. I plan my day and move efficiently but effectively....completing chores...sweeping, mopping, washing dishes, cooking, I can put the finishing touches on some of my work, I do some laundry.. the radio is on...my favorite talk show. I get a few laughs! I balance that with a telephone call or two....I check my emails and my favorite social networks...Whew!!! Now, I can watch TV.

Did I say that this was supposed to be a different day...one where I am supposed to put my foot up, rest and do nothing!

Actually, strangely, I feel good and somewhat rested but most definitely fully satisfied with a day well spent in my own company...the fact my children thoroughly enjoyed their dinner is an added plus!



Give thanks!