sometimes.....

Sometimes, I find myself sitting and thinking of the past! The long ago past of my childhood, and I wonder why certain things happened, why to me? I allow these memories to play like an old movie in my head....I watch them pass and I try to investigate and I wonder did I dream it or was it truly real. Then I wonder how was I able to survive some of the things I went through....where did that strength come from...that ability to hold my head up high and continue living as if nothing happened. Yet it did....And I also think of how these things ended up affecting my life in the future. There were times when I have cried, unabashedly as I recalled happenings of my childhood, of my teen years! Afterwards I feel cleansed and strong but the memories still return....sometimes....when I am alone...washing dishes or cleaning my house! Today I am stronger, today, I look at them, these memories, like a movie, calmly, and I allow them to pass for they hold no power over me. Experience have taught me that I have to keep my eyes wide open, for myself and for my children....the world outside of ourselves, and even from within our own selves will, from time to time attract, some unknown evil, so I seek protection from the Almighty creator daily. I am thankful for all the blessings, the strength and the wisdom I have been given....I am thankful for the many friends I have been blessed with who have brought joy and helped me along the way....for sometimes...when the burden is too heavy to bear, there is always a sister, a brother, a friend whom I can talk too... I can look at things more clearly and overcome....I can be peaceful!

Lately, I have been thinking about this....haven't we all been hurt somehow, yet we don't all become evil....we don't all want to wreak havoc on the populace....to commit violent crimes against our fellowman! Therefore, what is it within us...those who continue to survive despite hardships endured??? What is this unknown thing that others seem unable to tap....sometimes I wonder about all these things and more....and I wish I could share with others so that they may know that they are not alone, that they too can overcome and choose good over evil....

no vehicle days!!!

This past few weeks, I have had to embrace, for the second time in two years, not having my dear old jeep to run around in. I have finally had to deal with getting a new engine head...if that is the right terminology. Getting the part to St. Kitts and getting the jeep fixed is taking way longer than I anticipated. I live a very busy life, with children to get to daycare and camp, plus for me to get to work at any of my normal selling spots, I need to get from point A to point B with as little down time as possible. As a result of not having a vehicle, I have once again had to learn patience, one of my lesser virtues, I think! My friends have been extremely helpful. I have had to joy of driving in some very nice vehicles, which my friends have the privilege of owning....I am almost tempted to sink into debt again to get one of these, but, I am staying on track.....my goal is to own my own house very soon, NOT to drive the nicest vehicle...at least not right now!

Early on, one of my good friends, whom I called upon, drove me wherever I wanted to go.....I didn't take advantage of his good nature, but instead tried my best to compact my getting around so as not to disturb him too much....but after a week he got tired....he explained that he didn't think I was going to be without a vehicle for so long and he really was tired given the tough year he had had thus far. I thanked him for his honesty. I decided that I would try not to call on the same friend to help me twice, but I have had to change that decision at crucial times. Honestly, I am really blessed to have such good friends who would drop whatever they are doing to assist me.

To get around without disturbing anyone of my buddies, I take the bus. I have come to realize that there are some really 'nice' bus drivers who run the route past my house. They are also not as rough and tough....many times when I am transported to my destination, with my containers of pottery, which take up space, they tell me to give them whatever I want....lol! How can I give them whatever I want....shouldn't they have a set price for offering this service, I ask, each time I get the same reply...pay me what you want. I can't understand it, so I pay them what I think is reasonable, thank them and go on with my day! My decision to take the girls to the movies on Sunday afternoon, even though I had not a clue how we were getting there was another notable experience.....I stepped out of my yard with girls in tow, a bus stopped immediately and I brazenly said, I am going to the movies, can you take me there? He answered positively and the girls and I jumped in. He travelled his normal route then went the extra distance to the movie theater. When we got there I asked what I owed him....he said $5.00....which is a normal fare for 2 persons on a normal day....I awkwardly asked if he was sure...he said yes and his friend in the seat said "Is love we ah deal with sister!"...I smiled and went on my way with my babies. After movies we got a lift home with a couple....both former close neighbors and friends of mine.

I am very adept at hitching rides from people, a skill I learnt as a teenager growing up in Dominica, during a time when people were nicer. Today, it's not as easy and I am not as willing, at my age to give the hitching a ride sign, so I walk along or stand in hope that some friend or 'nice' person will come along and offer me a lift. The other day, in a rush to get to my daughter's preschool center, the only person to stop was a guy I know well enough, who was riding a motorbike!!! Oh, what utter excitement, at minutes to 4 o'clock on a busy Friday afternoon to alight upon a bike....he dismounted the bike, gave me his passenger helmet. I jumped on and off we went along the Newtown Bay road, up to the Industrial site Preschool. What an adrenaline rush!!!! I picked up my daughter, just a I exited the center I got a lift with another guy straight back to the craft market....my co-vendors at the market were amazed at the speed and time it took me to go and return...I did a little chest thumping!

I feel thankful and grateful that I am able to easily make changes in how I operate....that I have a good enough personality to assist me on my journey and most of all I have friends who care enough to assist me. I have been given an opportunity to reconnect with many of my friends.....some who would see me walking and go out of their way to drop me home...during the drive we would get to chat. It has been an experience to listen to the banter of the persons riding the buses.....or the music the bus drivers play....it is interesting to be a part off! My patience has grown and I am humbled by these experiences. I long for my vehicle but I realize I have become much more organized because of the lack of it! There are lessons to be learnt in all things, and for now, I am learning some valuable lessons while embracing this experience.

Can I get a date please???LOL!!!

Yesterday, I went with a friend to the chiropractor. I wanted to make sure she knew where she was going, so I drove with her and thought I would stay with her. Then I changed my mind, and decided I could get my stuff done and return before she was finished. With that thought in mind, I told her I wold go to the groceries and get back to her. The fact that I had no vehicle to get to the groceries did not deter me. I walked out of the building and focused getting a lift, I hoped someone I knew would pass by that busy Friday afternoon, headed in the direction of the supermarket I wanted to visit. I hadn't walked twenty steps before a car pulled up. I was in luck. A very old and dear male friend had showed up at just the right time. I had known him for many, many years. There had been many a time he would visit my house and we would chat on about many things.....from cars, to relationships, to politics and religion. Many times I would run into him in a similar manner....either walking around, or in a situation similar to my current one...trying to get a lift somewhere....and he would be very happy to assist me. But, there is a big... but.... in our friendship. For all the years he has known me, he has always teased me....I can't count the number of times he has spoken of his undying love for me and that I should give him a chance to prove that he is the 'man' for me. While I like him as a friend, and maybe because he has been such a good friend over the years I just haven't taken him seriously. So of course, yesterday, he took the opportunity to let me know once again that he doesn't just want a little of me, but all of me, for all time.....I smiled as I reached my destination, we were to exchange numbers, given my current need for transportation, but I told him I know where he lives and went on my way.

Here are the stats on him, he is good looking, around my age, self-employed and runs a thriving business, owns his own home speaks well, loves women(I know because many times he as said it...plus, he admits to always seeing, as in long term relationships, two or three women at one time, and that will never change..I always laugh because I am sure he doesn"t espect me to join a harem), oh yes, and he dresses okay! Though I am only interested in a continued friendship, rather than a relationship with him, I can't help wondering why this is...surely, it can't just be about his love for the ladies for that is a Caribbean male phenomena?? I gave it some thought and realized that in all the twenty-five years plus he has known me, and with all the chat he has, he has never called me and said would "Carla, would you like to go on a date with me?"

Yes, a date!!! Why do so many of men think they can lure a woman by simply telling her of their interest in them or what they can do to them sexually or what they can do for them financially. So many men seem immune to dating? Does one really need to know of a man's prowess in bed before it is established that there is some kind of chemistry between them. I think dating is a very important and significant element in the building of a relationship. Yes, we may like someone, but sitting across a table with them, sharing a meal can reveal so much....so why not invite a person to dinner....for one thing I love to eat! There are so many interesting dates couples can go on, so as to spend time together and see how each other respond to different settings and situations. If, in the course of the dating one finds that there isn't any chemistry or that the person is annoying in some way, or they are trying to get close too quick then, dating can cease. A big difference to......we meet.....we like...we jump in bed...we in a relationship!

There are many exciting dates couples could partake in during the discovery process of getting to know each other. Breakfast, lunch or dinner dates. A trip to the museum or a Heritage site, include a picnic. Attend a competitive game....football, basketball etc. Go Zip-lining across the forest or take a hike or even go jogging. Picnic at the beach, a catamaran cruise, go snorkeling or sailing! Dancing!! Did I forget church!!! The list of dates is endless! The emphasis, the need for these dates is to get to know each other, the likes and dislikes, NOT a rush to get physical or to establish a long term relationship! Maybe, if my old friend had thought about of us engaging in a few of these things then, I guess, maybe he would have stood a chance...a chance to get to know me as more than just a friend!!! LOL!!!!